Oh I get it.
Hey Guido, I'm the lemon merchant.
And you're the keeper of the cheese...and he knows it!
Quickly! We must flee!
Before they let loose the marmosets!
Urgh...do you ever have those times in your life when you think you are truly losing your marbles? I'm going through one of those phases right now. In fact, it has been happening since the end of March. I'm sure pre-OutGames prep stress, the problems at work, pre-season bike team preparations, and getting ready for a vacation I wasn't really ready for led to getting rundown and sick and had some part to do with it, but thinking that all this time concentrated away from my work, training, boyfriend, and relationships made me feel even more out of control.
It all sort of came to a head this weekend when I blew up at Joe on Saturday night. I'm still not really sure why I did it then and there. The copious amounts of beer and prayers, perhaps? The conditions certainly weren't right to have a constructive dialogue about a lot of things, and consequently I've really screwed things up between us. I'm pissed off with a lot of things in my life, but now I'm even more pissed off at myself for how I've handled things. I really question my intelligence in these situations. In fact, I've been questioning my intelligence more and more these days. If I know that I have the tools to handle these situations a lot better -- I even am quite aware of what my shortcomings and bad habits are. Then why when it comes to the real situation do I fall back into my old habits? I let all my frustrations fester and boil and then at a trigger point, let them explode in a verbal assault that messes everything up and that I regret later. Pretty elegant, eh? Maybe I'm too distracted by everything to notice the warning signs?
This always happens at the same time of year too, which I am trying to figure out as well. I think in the spring, when I start taking my vacation and start to get outside more and see more people again, I start to see the increased potential and possibilities that could happen in my life and I just get more and more frustrated that they aren't going in the direction I would like. A lot of times I feel like my life is just static and status quo and has been for a long time -- I feel like I'm falling further behind, out of touch, yet nothing ever changes to address the issues. It's not just in my relationships, it's in my job, my residence, my interests, my obligations. This is reflection season, I guess.
Typically Joe is at the receiving end of this frustration, and I end up unfairly and cruelly hurting him as a result. It's all so pathological and wrong. Joe doesn't deserve this from me or anyone else. He deserves so much more as he is the one who brings more to this relationship than I do. He is who he is and I still can't figure out why, after seven years together, I still can't figure this out. Why do I expect so much more from him than anyone else? Why do I hold him and his actions to a higher standard and greater scrutiny than everyone else? Is this what I want in a relationship? I'm not sure what this all implies. Either I'm not getting things fulfilled in my life that I need, or, as I'm thinking more and more, I'm not really good (or maybe not experienced enough) in relationships and am probably much better off as a single person, at least for now.
I think I need therapy.