11 April 2007

Colors of my mental instability



[Ren Hoek]
Oh I get it.
Hey Guido, I'm the lemon merchant.
And you're the keeper of the cheese...and he knows it!
Quickly! We must flee!
Before they let loose the marmosets!


Urgh...do you ever have those times in your life when you think you are truly losing your marbles? I'm going through one of those phases right now. In fact, it has been happening since the end of March. I'm sure pre-OutGames prep stress, the problems at work, pre-season bike team preparations, and getting ready for a vacation I wasn't really ready for led to getting rundown and sick and had some part to do with it, but thinking that all this time concentrated away from my work, training, boyfriend, and relationships made me feel even more out of control.

It all sort of came to a head this weekend when I blew up at Joe on Saturday night. I'm still not really sure why I did it then and there. The copious amounts of beer and prayers, perhaps? The conditions certainly weren't right to have a constructive dialogue about a lot of things, and consequently I've really screwed things up between us. I'm pissed off with a lot of things in my life, but now I'm even more pissed off at myself for how I've handled things. I really question my intelligence in these situations. In fact, I've been questioning my intelligence more and more these days. If I know that I have the tools to handle these situations a lot better -- I even am quite aware of what my shortcomings and bad habits are. Then why when it comes to the real situation do I fall back into my old habits? I let all my frustrations fester and boil and then at a trigger point, let them explode in a verbal assault that messes everything up and that I regret later. Pretty elegant, eh? Maybe I'm too distracted by everything to notice the warning signs?

This always happens at the same time of year too, which I am trying to figure out as well. I think in the spring, when I start taking my vacation and start to get outside more and see more people again, I start to see the increased potential and possibilities that could happen in my life and I just get more and more frustrated that they aren't going in the direction I would like. A lot of times I feel like my life is just static and status quo and has been for a long time -- I feel like I'm falling further behind, out of touch, yet nothing ever changes to address the issues. It's not just in my relationships, it's in my job, my residence, my interests, my obligations. This is reflection season, I guess.

Typically Joe is at the receiving end of this frustration, and I end up unfairly and cruelly hurting him as a result. It's all so pathological and wrong. Joe doesn't deserve this from me or anyone else. He deserves so much more as he is the one who brings more to this relationship than I do. He is who he is and I still can't figure out why, after seven years together, I still can't figure this out. Why do I expect so much more from him than anyone else? Why do I hold him and his actions to a higher standard and greater scrutiny than everyone else? Is this what I want in a relationship? I'm not sure what this all implies. Either I'm not getting things fulfilled in my life that I need, or, as I'm thinking more and more, I'm not really good (or maybe not experienced enough) in relationships and am probably much better off as a single person, at least for now.

I think I need therapy.

6 comments:

Jeff Skybar said...

Reid,

You don't need therapy. Really you don't. You just need to talk things out, like I do. You know how in past situations I spin off on my head. If it wasn't for you and Doug on alot of topics, God knows where I would be. Sometimes it's good to lean on your friends and spill your guts, it's hard, but it works. So mu8ch more then therapy where all they are going to tell you is it's not your fault and it's everybody elses. Which is just a load of bullshit. So pay someone hundreds of dollars to stroke your ego and still have the same problems. But at least you have a veil infront of you and you think it's everyone else. WRONG!! Takes two to tango baby.

Lets do soup tomorrow or something? Let me know. '

YOu know I am only a phonecall or e-mail or short C-train ride away.

Things will work themselves out. It's the deal I have with Jebus now.

CanaGal said...

Reid, I feel for you, I really do. At times it is easiest to lash out at the people we love, for we always think, "they should understand us teh most" (at least that is why I lash out at Sean, I think he should know/understand me the most and be able to help me the most - & then I get mad and frustrated at him ...)
Talking to your friends is a step in the right direction & working on not being so hard on yourself will be another positive step. Love ya, buddy!

doug said...

Reid, I doubt you are in need of therapy...its perfectly natural and HEALTHY to challenge one's life in terms of attitude, values and relationships. Expressing frustration is - kind of like a safety valve on a steam locomotive, it has to be released once in a while or everything can go kaboom/buy-bye! I've been realizing that I'm not happy with the status quo of my life right now and I am in need of some self reflection and change myself. I'm tired of being single, commuting everday from Montana to a boring job, only to come home and make a mediocre dinner for myself that I will be eatimg all week :-(

After thinking more though I realized that I tend to focus on what I don't have instead of what I DO have. Not good. You need to think about this. All of us really do have a lot going for ourselves and we need to cut ouselves some serious slack or risk stressing to the max. Been there - done the anxiety attacks! They really don't pay off Reid. Stress needs to be dealt with in positive ways. I figure its your mind and body telling you something is off. Don't ignore this. Only you guys can sort out any relationship woes you have. I know for sure I'm no relationship expert but in my estimation they are TWO way streets, neither one of you are perfect to be sure but you have to decide if you really love each other and want to be together? You MUST Talk to each other. You two have been together a long time and obviously you have a connection and whenever you fight you really have to ask yourself: "is this over something stupid or do we have serious issues to deal with here?" Put, bluntly you have to decide to fix things or move on? As always Reid you can count on your friends we care about your wellbeing and want BOTH you guys to be happy!

Reid Dalgleish said...

Thanks guys. I think I'm going to borrow from Comfortable Chaos Theory on this one....her last post is very good.

Comfortable Chaos said...

Muah dahling.

I think we are in parallel mindsets on this stuff Reid. I have been simmering for quite some time about many of the same things, and quite simply, I'm tired of feeling frustrated.
I realize it's not anyone else but ME who's causing it.

Self sabotage is none too sexy.

Life's confusing and hard if we are prone to think that way it seems. I came a cross a grea book called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne this past Sunday in the middle of a sour mood. It has quite literally given me the jump I needed to start changing my views and attitudes. Going to post some stuff on it later today if time permits, but maybe you should thumb through a copy next time your at Chapters or whatever and see what you think.

The irony of it all, and I do mean ALL, is that we can have anything we want in this life.
What we put out is what we get back, so thinking negative thougghts or dwelling on what you DON'T want/have will bring you more of it.
Simple theory. Makes a lot of sense.

Hang in there friend.
I am totally confident that you will recieve exactly what you need sooner than you think.
Just gotta adjust that internal frequency ;)

CanaGal said...

I love Doug's train analogy... tee hee