18 August 2005

Debbie Downer

Have you ever seen Rachel Dratch's character on Saturday Night Live, Debbie Downer? I was doing some introspection last night and have realized that I am the Debbie Downer of our group (also know as a Grenade Thrower)! How sad! I don't want to be the downer anymore. I'm only going to be positive and happy from now on. Good news story rants. Lots and lots of Zoloft.

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Debbie Downer

Waiter.....Kenan Thompson
Brother 1.....Fred Armisen
Brother 2.....Jimmy Fallon
Debbie Downer.....Rachel Dratch
Dad.....Horatio Sanz
Sister 1.....Lindsay Lohan
Sister 2.....Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, outdoor parade at Disneyland ]

[ dissolve to interior, Mickey's Breakfast Jamboree, as Waiter approaches the McKusick family ]

Waiter: Good morning! Welcome to the Mickey's Breakfast Jamboree! My name is Billiam, and I'll be serving you today. You guys here on a special occasion?

Brother 1: Well, we're here on that new Magical Gatherings family package. We've got the McKusick clan down from Ohio - right, guys? Say Hi!

Family: Hiiiii!!!!

Waiter: Well, great. Let me tell you Mickey's specials today - we've got steak and eggs, served with some home fries and Mickey waffles.

Brother 2: [ excited ] Whoo-oooo! I loves me some Steak and Eggs!

Debbie Downer: Ever since they found Mad Cow Disease in the U.S., I'm not taking any chances. It can live in your body for years, before it ravages your brain.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]

[ dissolve to jingle montage ]

"You're enjoying your day, everything's going your way
Then, along comes Debbie Downer!
Always there to tell you about a new disease
A car accident or killer bees.
You'll beg her to spare you, "Debbie, please."
But you can't stop Debbie Downer!"

[ zoom on Debbie's sad face ]

[ dissolve back to the family gathering ]

Dad: We did it, gang! We pulled it off! A family reunion at Disney! I don't know about you guys, but the first I'm gonna do is ride that haunted elevator thingie! [ laughs ] It drops you straight down!

Sister 1: This is my dream come true! I mean, I'm totally serious! Tigger hugged me at the door, and I thought I was gonna cry!

Sister 2: Awww..

Debbie Downer: [ sullenly ] I guess Roy isn't doing as well as I first thought..

Sister 2: What? Who's Roy?

Debbie Downer: Roy? Of Siegfried and Roy? He was attacked by his own tiger and suffered devestating injuries.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]

Brother 1: So, uh.. hey! Who wants to go on Space Mountain with me?

Family: Me!! Me!! Me!!

Sister 1: I want to see the Country Bear Jamboree!

Sister 2: I want to go to every country in Epcot, and greet them in their own native language! "Hola!" "Konnichiwa!" "Hi!"

Debbie Downer: Do you guys care about that train explosion in North Korea?

[ drunken trombone sound effect; Jimmy Fallon starts to crack up ]

Debbie Downer: The media is so sensitive there.. so secretive --

[ Rachel Dratch begins to crack up with Jimmy Fallon ]

Debbie Downer: -- that they may never know how many people perished.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch's crumbling willpower ]

Waiter: Who's ready for Mickey waffles!

Family: Oh, me! Me, me, me!!

Sister 1: Oh.. my.. God! I just made eye contact with Pluto! And he's coming over here!

Brother 1: Pluto! Pluto!

[ guy in a Pluto costume comes over to hug Sister 1 ]

Sister 1: Oh, my God, oh, my God! I'm hugging Pluto! I'm at Disneyworld, and I'm hugging Pluto! Somebody take a picture!

[ everyone crowds around to be in the photo, as Debbie takes the picture with her camera ]

Debbie Downer: Wow, you guys, Disneyworld really is fun, it makes me feel like a kid again. I mean, the time before my two-year stint at Children's.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face as she takes the picture ]

[ everyone tries desperately not to crack up, as Pluto comes over to hug Debbie ]

Debbie Downer: Oh.. hey.. hey, Pluto, hi. Boy.. it must be fun to work here.. although, the biggest drawback to working in a theme park is that you must live in constant fear of deadly terrorist attacks.

[ the jovial Pluto stops being so jovial, its tongue hanging out rather sad and pitiful in light of Debbie's statement ]

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch's crumbling willpower ]

[ Pluto runs off ]

Brother 1: Pluto.. Pluto, wait, where are you going?

Debbie Downer: With that costume on, he's probably under the early stages of heatstroke.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face. . Rachel Dratch begins to crack up and covers her face with her hand as she loses it completely ]

Debbie Downer: Speaking of -- [ cracks up ] Speaking of --

[ Amy Poehler has her head down and is laughing. Rachel Dratch is trying to stop laughing as she gets on with the rest of the sketch ]

Debbie Downer: Speaking of heat.. if this greenhouse effect keeps up, we'll all be living underwater.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face which breaks because of her cracking up; Rachel Dratch tries to hold her breath to keep from cracking up, but it doesn’t work that well ]

Debbie Downer: By the way -- [ cracks up ] By the way, it's official -- [ pauses extensively to hold in her laughter; Jimmy Fallon is looking at her. Dratch’s voice breaks as she says the next line]: I can't have children! [Jimmy Fallon covers his face with his hands to keep from laughing]

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s face, which is distraught with laughter. At this point, everyone at the table is cracking up, except for Fred Armisen, who is just smiling to keep from laughing ]

Sister 1: Okay. You know what, Debbie? [ stands ] You are totally ruining my trip to Disne -- [ cracks up in the middle of her anger, then composes herself quickly as Horatio Sanz is wiping his tears of laughter with a Mickey Mouse waffle ] I didn't say a word during It's A Small World, when you talked about low birth weight! Or, during the fireworks when you went on -- [ cracks up again, tries to sit down, but gets back up and finishes the line ] When you when on and on about feline AIDS!

Debbie Downer: It's the number one killer of domestic cats.

[ meowing sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]

Sister #1: I can’t take this! [leaves in a huff ]

Debbie Downer: So, after this, we'll head to the park, guys? [ cracks up ] Lather up the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at recently, and the doctor told me that, due to the extent of its irregular borders, I'm flirting with a melanoma.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch again tries to hold her breath to keep from laughing ]

[ everyone abruptly leaves the table ]

Debbie Downer: You guys go ahead. I'll meet you at my favorite ride - the Hall of Presidents.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Jingle: "But you can't stop Debbie Downer!"

Debbie Downer: They never did catch that anthrax guy.

[ fade ]


04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Debbie Downer

Debbie Downer.....Rachel Dratch
Ronnie.....Ben Affleck
Ronnie's Wife.....Maya Rudolph
Ronnie's Uncle.....Horatio Sanz
Friend #1.....Amy Poehler
Friend #2.....Fred Armisen

(Scene first shows the door to a house. Cut to a living room, with people seated around a birthday cake. A banner in the background says "Happy 35th Ronnie!")

All: Happy birthday to you!

Friend #1: Make a wish!

(Ronnie blows out the candles; everyone claps and yells "Yay!")

Friend #2: What'd you wish for?

Ronnie: Can't tell ya; it won't come true!

Ronnie's Wife: Oh, I bet he wished for that new Mustang GT he wants!

Ronnie's Uncle: Yeah, he should have wished for a better golf score. Who said that? (everyone laughs)

Debbie Downer: If I had a wish, I'd wish they'd release the British hostage in Iraq.

(drunken trombone sound effect; zoom in on Debbie's pained demeanor)

"You're enjoying your day
Everything's going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer
Always there to tell you 'bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You'll beg her to spare you
Debbie, please!
But you can't stop Debbie Downer!"

Friend #2: Oh! I want some cake!

Ronnie's Wife: (hands friend cake) Oh, yeah, honey, give me a rose!

Ronnie: All right, here's a big one. Here you go. Guys, I wanna say something. It really means the world to me that you all showed up here on my birthday...my family. *gestures to uncle* Uncle Frank, especially you, all the way from North Carolina. Thank you.

Debbie: (nods) Good thing Jeanne's out of the picture.

Friend #1: Jeanne? Who's Jeanne?

Debbie: Hurricane Jeanne. The latest in a string of deadly storms that left thousands of Floridians homeless. They're still counting the fatalities in Haiti.

(drunken trombone sound effect; camera zooms in on a particularly constipated Debbie face)

Ronnie's Wife: Um...you know what? Maybe Ronnie should open his presents. (cheers from the other guests)

Friend #2: Yeah, open your presents!

Ronnie: Come on, twist my arm! I'll do it.

Debbie: First it was Cha--

Friend #1: All right!

Debbie: First it was Charley...

(drunken trombone sound effect)

Debbie: Then Frances.

(drunken trombone sound effect)

Debbie: Ivan.

(drunken trombone sound effect)

Debbie: And Jeanne.

(drunken trombone sound effect)

Debbie: Who knows what Tropical Storm Karl's got in store?

(drunken trombone sound effect; zoom in even further on Debbie's face)

(pained expressions by other partygoers)

Friend #1: Okay! Why don't you open mine first?

Ronnie: All-righty. Here we go. All right. (tears wrapping paper) Let's see what we got here....Hey! The Essential Movie Guide! Thank you. I love it.

Debbie: Oh...I haven't been able to read a movie review since the untimely passing of Gene Siskel.

(higher-pitched drunken trombone sound effect; zoom in on Debbie again)

(Ronnie rests his face on one fist; his wife looks angry. Awkwardly, Uncle Frank reaches for his gift: a fishing rod)

Ronnie: Hey! What have we got here?

Ronnie's Uncle: It's mine, there, Ronnie.

Ronnie: All right. (shakes rod) Well...what could it be? (laughs) This is great! A fishing rod...thank you so much.

Ronnie's Uncle: We gotta go fishing sometime, buddy.

Ronnie: You know...we should go Saturday!

Ronnie's Wife: Oh, that sounds fun!

Ronnie: Wouldn't that be fun?

Ronnie's Uncle: Done deal.

(Ronnie and his uncle high-five)

Debbie: Hey, hey, hey, count me out, guys. Doctor said if I don't cut down on my consumption of fresh fish, my mercury level will reach toxic proportions.

(drunken trombone sound effect; zoom in on Debbie making an "unsure" facial expression)

Friend #2: Hey, Teresa, what'd you get your sweetie for his birthday?

Ronnie's Wife: We are going on a ten-day safari to Kenya!

Ronnie: Yeah. It's gonna be incredible.

Ronnie's Wife: Yeah!

Debbie: Steer clear of The Sudan. It makes Fallujah look like Club Med.

(higher-pitched drunken trombone sound effect; zoom in on Debbie's worried facial expression)

Ronnie: We're not going anywhere near The Sudan, Debbie.

Ronnie's Wife: Yeah. We're going to see elephants in their natural habitat.

Debbie: Well, that's cool. See 'em now...populations are dwindling.

(elephant drunken trombone sound effect sound; zoom in on Debbie)

Friend #2: Well, it sounds amazing!

Ronnie's Uncle: Yeah, once in a lifetime.

Ronnie: Yeah, I'm excited.

Ronnie's Wife: Yeah.

Debbie: Hey, does anyone have a banana?

Friend #1: What?

Debbie: Well, if I don't get enough potassium every day, I awaken in the middle of the night by crippling leg cramps.

(higher-pitched drunken trombone sound effect; zoom in)

(everyone looks pissed off)

Debbie: By the way, it's official -- they've located my birth mother. Deceased.

(deeper drunken trombone sound effect; zoom in on a particularly painful facial expression)

Ronnie: All right, you know what, Debbie? You are totally ruining my birthday party. I completely held my tongue during cocktails when you showed us the pictures from the Holocaust Museum...I didn't say word one (slip-up) during dinner when you went on and on about feline AIDS.

Debbie: (shakes finger) It's the number one killer of domestic cats.

(meow meowwwwwwwwww; zoom in)

Ronnie: (stands up) Ugh...I gotta get a drink.

Ronnie's Wife: Honey, no! The party's just starting. We are taking you dancing.

Friend #1: Yeah, let's go! *everyone jumps up*

Debbie: Yeah! Yeah! All right, guys, but I can't stay long; I got a big day tomorrow. The Orkin Man's coming first thing to scrape out the remains of whatever died in my chimney.

(drunken trombone sound effect; zoom in on Debbie's half-grin)

(end title card)

Jingle: "No, you can't stop Debbie Downer!" (wahhh wah)

Debbie: "Bird flu's even deadlier than SARS."

[ fade ]


Jeff said...

Debbie Downer. Reid you are not Debbie Downer. I need you to keep me informed on world topics. Without you, I wouldn't get this paranoid about living and breathing. And that's a good thing! I would be like every other fag who only reads the entertainment magazines and think's that is the only life. I would have only begun to recycle because Hillary Duff does it. Instead I have been made aware of global issues through you, and have been recycling my porno magazines extensively since then. I never use the same mag twice in a day, that way it save on paper and the longevity of the magazine. ..

Mrs The Experience said...

Well, the title of your blog IS, after all, "Everything Is Wrong"

Reid Dalgleish said...

But does anyone read it? Or are the topics too obscure and ranting for anyone to pay attention?

Mrs The Experience said...

I read your posts. They depress and demoralize me. But I read them. I like the ones about your cycling and life better.

Jeff said...

I like hearing about your life and cycling as well, 'cause it's your passion. World topics are good to be informed, but we have to still live right? So anyways let PART-AY this weekend!!

Reid Dalgleish said...

Depressing AND Demoralizing? Well, I think my work here is done...

Reid Dalgleish said...

More personal interest stories it is, then...

Jeff said...

Yeah and include the sex!

Mrs The Experience said...

I dunno, will that be depressing and demoralizing, too?

Reid Dalgleish said...

Har Har Har

Mrs The Experience said...

I think i have Feline AIDS. Cough cough

Jeff said...

Oh lord, now I gotta worry about that when you come here in November. That's OK, Marlene's very straight and ultra religious sister told her that you can become gay by sitting on public toilet seats, so you better get vaccinated for that when you come to Exkimo land K?

Anonymous said...

Reid, I can't wait to see that you have won the Provincial RR for Cat. 1/2 tomorrow! I will be there on the other podium for Cat. 3! There I said it and you have proof! I am the Provincial Race Champ for Cat. 3!!! You now have it in writing. You can't get anymore positive than that my friend!