My last day of work finally came and went. I got a lot done but I'm now remembering some other loose ends I should've tied up before I disappeared. Oh well. I'm out of there - finally - for some escape and sun.
I'm tired. Joe and I had a fight last night that lasted until 3am. We've been here before, and ironically it was the same time last year. And the year before that. I'm not sure why this Arizona trip always seems to be the centerpiece of our fallings-out, but it sure makes it memorable for more than just the cycling, the sun and the laughs with good friends.
Why now? I think it has something to do with the last gasps of winter finally picking my last nerve to the point I can't take it anymore. The timing is impeccable. Training is getting monotonous, the weather still sucks, I'm finally losing my ability to distinguish colors from all of the grey and browns, and maybe it's just the time of year that I really get self-reflective and start inventorying my life.
I think Joe and I are done. We've had a good run. Like I said, we were at this juncture last year at the same time and I was going to leave then, but we talked things through and I decided to stay. We do this cycle of emotions annually. Well, specifically I do. The conversations always end up the same while we try to work this out. The issues are the same, apparently things don't change too much from year to year. This year, I'm more angry than sad, and I think that's giving me some more resolve to just get out and stick to my guns. I love Joe very much, but I can't do this anymore. I have to get out. I have to change. I'm just as guilty of our relationship failures. Neither of us really wanted to make the effort to change, and admittedly he was more successful at making changes than me. However, I can't live in this emotional prison. I have to get out, experience things on my own again. I'm actually quite excited about being independent again. I love loving someone and having them love me, but it's time for me to move on.
Of course, the negotiations will continue. Things may change. But I'm tired. I'm not happy. I haven't been for awhile.
I thank the Lorb everyday for my friends. Thank you so much guys for your words of encouragement and support. I love you all very much.
I'm going to be very sad and depressed once the gravity of the situation hits me, but for now, it's off to Tucson. I need a break so bad.
Adios.
7 comments:
I understand the situation Reid. It sucks. I have found that the changes I need to make most are the most difficult and painful. We'll have fun in Tucson and I'm sure when we come back we'll both be feeling better.
Hi Reid,
I just wanted to say that I'm there and support you 100% We all love you and want you to be happy! As for Jeff's comment LOL I guess he is getting at my little problem at home with the phone calls between 1:30 to 4 am on weekdays LOL Take care and let's get together when you get back I'm only a block away.
Love ya,
Curtis
sorry to hear about you and Joe... I remember you and I talking about this last year on our lunch time runs. You've been here before /Joe and I totally think you're making the right choice. Have fun in Arizona, give me a shout when you're back, we'll try to hook up for a ride or run.
ross:0
dumb blog stripped out one of characters!! must have thought it was an escape character. above post should read "You've been here before with Joe and I totally..."
without the "with" the context of the sentence gets a little out of whack!
ross:0
Sorry to hear about this Reid - we are here for you!
hey sweetie, i am so sorry you're going through this emotional ick...this trip sounds like exactly what the soul doctor ordered, and i am very proud of you for sticking your neck out and demanding better for yourself, getting out of your comfort zone, and being true to yourself. It's not as though you guys didn't try, and you're right, you had a good run at it.
take some you time and reconnect with your inner self. surround yourself w/ friends who all love you very much; we want nothing but the best for you and when/if you love, to do it hard, balls to the wall and uncompromising. it only has to happen once to work ;)
So what's happening? I send you good wishes.
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